2005

yeah, i really am a follower. meesh and co started doing blogs, kind of inspired me to try to write a little more. forgot that i had actually written something here.

so, i'm still getting 2005 in order; my life is pretty much a mess, can't hurt anything by writing here (still think no one will read this randomly). plan to try writing a book/story. eventually need to start looking for a job. plan to hit the gym and get buff is not going that fast, nothing seems to work out the way i plan it...

went out last night with the ex-girlfriend and her new friends (connected through her new boyfriend). i end up spending the majority of the night feeling socially inept. i see other guys flirting with the waitresses, people in our group just being goofy, and i end up sitting there hanging on shelly's elbow pretty much mute. the further you think you've come... i really do miss going out to the clubs and seeing the pretty girlies, feeling like i can be crazy, but it sucks when you're not with your friends and you're not good at opening up around new people. maybe if she wasn't there, it would have been different. but really i'm just holding back. i saw one of the other guys there kinda sitting on his own, was inspired to go try to make chit chat, but just didn't feel like putting forth the effort - like it would have looked weird if i tried to talk to the guy. whatever. just need to get out of the dumps, figure things out.

except i keep saying that - just need to figure things out - and don't do much about it. i complete small tasks, but keep ignoring the big stuff that is fucking me over. the friendship thing with shelly is tough - when she's in a good mood, i really like spending time with her, start to miss her. when the stress hits, i don't know what to do. thought i wanted to take a "fun" job like bartending and try and run with it through the summer, but i still think i don't have the personality to pull it off. and then i think that i can't tell my family that i'm not really doing anything with my life. always thought i was destined for great things. keep holding on to the idea of writing, but never writing anything - afraid that if i try and fail, i've got very little left.

except i'm a smart cookie, i'm sure i can find something to do and work my way up to the top - will eventually have to "buckle down" and do some hard work. the one thing from my family that i didn't pick up that would really be useful.

oy.

off to get lunch, buy some dvd's, and maybe hit the gym.